Jesus Fucking Christ

The Gospels, you know the books I’m talking about - Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, constantly make glorious claims about Jesus, but at the same time seem to deny them…indirectly of course. For example, the case of the immaculate conception. Both of Jesus’ parents were informed by angels before the birth that their newborn son was actually the Son of God.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the LORD had appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus because he will save his people from their sins.

-Matthew 1:20-21 (New International Version)

In the sixth month, God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The Angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you are highly favored! The LORD is with you.”
Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Don’t be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and be called Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.
“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”
The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who is said to be barren is in her sixth month. For nothing is impossible with God.
“I am the LORD’s servant,” Mary answered. “May it be to me as you have said.” Then the angel left her.

-Luke 1:26-38 (New International Version)

If both Mary and Joseph were given the knowledge that Jesus would be such an exceptional human being then they should have not been surprised by his bizarre and extraordinary behavior. Yet in the book of Luke we find Jesus somewhat scolded by his parents when he wanders off to discuss religion with the rabbis in the temple. When criticized by his parents Jesus says to them, “Why were you searching for me? Didn’t you know that I had to be in my Father’s house?” Yet when he says this to Mary and Joseph, the two are confused and do not understand. Now if angels truly appeared to Mary and Joseph as the books state then Jesus’ bizarre and extraordinary actions should have come to absolutely no surprise to them.
Another bizarre instance that we find is the first encounter between Jesus and John the Baptist. When the two first meet, John immediately recognizes Jesus to be the Son of God. However, when John is put in prison later on he only assumes that Jesus is the son of God.
When John heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him,

“Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?”

-Matthew 11:2-3 (New International Version)

It is very peculiar that we are told that John was so impressed by his first meeting with Jesus that he immediately declared him the Son of God, however when in prison his attitude changes to, “he may be the Son of God,” on the basis of rumors that someone were leaked to his cell.
Now Jesus is said to have worked miracles. We find all throughout the New Testament that he is performing exorcisms, raising the dead, making bread and fish appear out of nowhere and a whole laundry list of other miraculous doings. However, when the disciples hear of Christ’s resurrection they do not believe it.

…Seemed to them as idle tales…They seemed not to have the slightest expectation of a resurrection.


-Luke 24:11 (People’s New Testament)

They believed not. Their disbelief was overruled for good, for it furnishes abundant proof that they did not invent the story of the resurrection.

Mark 16:11 (People’s New Testament)

Clearly, nobody would have found the resurrection completely unbelievable if the disciples were truly present to witness the miracles that Jesus was said to have performed. Apparently to watch a single man perform exorcisms, turn water into wine and walk on water is completely believable, but the idea of the resurrection was completely off the wall to them. Obviously they should have been prepared for such an event after all the miraculous happenings that they apparently witnessed.
There’s also the possibility that when Jesus was removed from the cross he wasn’t even dead to begin with. It seems more likely that a man seen after his death probably wasn’t dead to begin with. Crucifixion was a slow death. It is even written that Pilate was surprised by how fast Jesus died (probably because he wasn’t dead at all, he just appeared dead). The Roman soldiers present at the time of the crucifixion broke the two thieves legs, but never broke Jesus’ legs because it was assumed that he was already dead and as you may have guessed, breaking a dead man’s legs is pretty damn pointless.
It is suspected by many that Joseph of Arimathea bribed the soldiers to make it appear as though Jesus appeared dead. Let’s take a look at the following evidence:

-Jesus was not buried in the ground by his enemies. Instead he was put into a cave tomb that had already been prepared for him by Joseph of Arimathea. There was only a rock rolled in front of it to seal it…more than likely it didn’t cut off much air.

-Joseph of Arimathea was a wealthy man, so he would have possessed the necessary funds to engage in bribery. So it seems pretty reasonable that the soldiers involved in Christ’s execution were bribed into making sure that they were not to thorough on making sure that he was actually dead.

-Pilate was surprised how quickly it took for Jesus to die.

Of course it isn’t written in any accounts that Joseph was involved in bribery. However, in the experience of this writer, when you bribe authorities you don’t usually make a big production out of it. You tend to keep that sort of thing low to the ground. Also, if we consider Jesus’ post-resurrection appearance it seems that his own disciples had difficulty recognizing him. Why is this? Perhaps Jesus was disguising himself to avoid authorities because he knew that next time he may not be so lucky if pursued again. It also seems a bit strange that he always appeared to his disciples after the resurrection in areas far away from his enemies such as far-off wilderness areas or in secured buildings. It would seem that Jesus lacked confidence in the idea of a resurrection actually being the reason for his still breathing.
Now this is all theory and using evidence that may or may not be true, since we are going by texts written so long ago and have probably been butchered through thousands of different versions and translations. If Jesus had gone through a Romero-esque zombie disposal, say, removing the head or burning the body, the resurrection story may have been a bit more impressive, but given this evidence that we have at our disposal it seems very likely that there was no resurrection and that Christ was more than likely still alive when removed from the cross. Theists will reject these claims, but honestly, what sounds more reasonable, bribery or zombies?